#TGIF To my younger self..

Portions of this entry were originally written in 2023 as part of my personal journal. They have been thoughtfully revised for this entry. The entry will be long and deeply personal. I share this with you in the hope that you can find something familiar within it and recognize that your experiences, too, are part of a larger journey.

I strongly believe revisiting my younger selves healed my old wounds. I thought about all the past versions of me all the time, sometimes the little girl who felt unloved, at times the teenager that felt like her world was caving in on her and her only solitude was her family and friends. Other times I revisited the young adult that once thought she had it all figured out until life threw her a curveball and she had to reconstruct the idea of a future she once had. I often looked back in recognition and contemplation, but mostly in fondness.

I am a deep thinker and a feeler - I feel everything, I retrospect every parts of my life and as of late, I mostly thought about the little girl who had set a lifelong foundation for all the future versions of her. It's hard to really share something so personal to me and even when I tell my sisters this, they did not understand it fully. It is said that every child experience different childhood, even when they were raised in the same household, by the same parents, in the same environment. Simply put, my childhood, while formative, wasn't always the happiest.

When I think about my childhood, the first memories that would float up my mind were the unpleasant ones. I thought about feeling anxious, alone and unworthy, especially from being physically different from my other sisters. I began to learn how to behave and not cause a scene, I learnt to be a good girl, to work my ass of to prove myself, and if I'm not nice, I will get reprimanded immediately, sometimes publicly. How I felt growing up, wasn't necessarily anyone's fault, and I want to really make that clear.

Before I begin, I find the need to preface this so you can at least understand, even not fully. I think most my life, I suppressed those memories because thinking about them makes me sad. However, I had a moment of clarity not too long ago, and I know she -- the younger me -- is the reason I am who I am today.

To my 6 year old self, I know feeling unloved and different sucks, but the way you persevered, pushed through, had set a foundation for years to come. You didn't know it yet, but right now, at the precipice of turning 30, I am mostly grateful for you. You influenced and shaped me more than any other versions of me did. They solidified it, but you were where it all started. I realize it more and more now how your experiences carved the mold of who I am at the core. I understand it now how important it is to give children the best childhood. I vow to ensure my own children have the best, the safest and loved during these formative years. But even then, can't be guaranteed because I also know, no matter how you shelter and protect your children from any hurt, they will have their own version of childhood in their head. As for me, I know my parents and family had given me their best, I unfortunately had a different narration of my childhood. 

Growing up with 4 sisters, we naturally fell into 2 alliances; the older sisters and the younger ones. Dyna and myself were inseparable.

To my 12 - 16 year old selves, you tasted the sweetness of attention on you, finally - when you scored 5As for UPSR. As f-ed up as it sounds, you thought you finally proved yourself of something. Something rewired in your head, you thought 'So this is how it feels like?' So that's what you did -- you spent the rest of learning years striving to be on top, scored all the As, competing, rivaling with no one, but yourself. Good thing was, you actually enjoyed learning, you loved school. I haven't found anyone who loved school more than you did, if I'm being honest. It's where you met the girls, and I will tell you this - they are still in your life, more present now than ever. School, friendship, and academic excellence was your escape. Up until now, I am grateful that you were not the rebellious type but I also knew, you can't be. There were already enough chaos going on that you can't find it in you to create more chaos.

I was fourteen, and if you think I look older, congrats - you're not the only one who thought so.

To my 18 - 21 year old selves (the versions that I miss the most), life was confusing, but refreshing, liberating and so fun. If you loved school, you treasured Uni life even more. But these were also the beginning of your most pivotal years. You went from having your life all figured out and planned to going along with wherever fate takes you. You had to let go of a dream of yours, and leave it all to Allah because you knew you worked hard, prayed, and left the rest in accordance to His plans. Despite the failure, goodbyes and change of plan, you were happy, truly happy. This was the point -- now that I think about it -- where life fully turned and your decisions lead me where I am now. The only way you could find peace in all the chaos was by learning to trust Allah's plans. Some things were out of your control and you understood, accepted it, never regret any of it. For your content heart, I am grateful.

 

I knew I wasn't meant to be a scientist, but always meant to be a learner.

Finally, to the most recent versions, mid twenties was...another type of beast. During this time, you wrote a lot. You were constantly seeking clarity. You got through 3 - 4 journals because you were always writing, questioning, venting. If there were any chance to go back in time and do better, it would be to this version. I would shake you and slap some sense into you because, good grieve, you had hope too big and way too much faith in others to do right by you. You expected the best from people who weren't capable of giving it. You wish you're capable of hating, begrudging, but you can't find it in you to do so. You instead wrote letters and addressed them to the fire. As the pages turned, you found it in you to let go of the things you can't change, and questions you will never get the answers to. In those time you did so much self-reflection, introspect every parts of your life and came to a deep understanding of your own thoughts and feelings. It was worth all the quiet pain initially inflicted because now, you've gain something no one else can give to you but yourself.

I can't stress enough how important it is to acknowledge your experiences and how they helped shape who you are. I have no regrets, nor do I resent any decisions I've made. I love who I've become, and it's the results of what I've been through. If I'm being honest, putting out this entry is nerve-wrecking and scary. I have always been open, but never this vulnerable and raw. My only wish for this entry to inspire you to look within, honor your experiences no matter how ugly or painful and recognize how vital they are in influencing the way you carry yourself, how you make decision and how you love. 

I have already make you read this much, and if you're still here - I thank you. I'll see you next Friday :)

#TGIF The red string theory

I always think about how we know two souls are already tied since the beginning of time, only waiting for the right time to meet. The red string theory said something similar -- where lovers are connected, by a red string and they are destined to be together. The string can be stretched, tangled, knotted and revolving around wrong person or timing and even circumstances but it will never be broken or amiss. It always connect two people who are meant to meet. 

But truth to be told, I haven't seen this kind of clear, cosmic connection in my life yet. I have seen in small doses, yes. If my parents had not met they way they did, I believe they still would've met each other as my Aunt (my mom's sister) married my dad's housemate. Or if my sister hadn't met my brother in law the way she did, she probably would be connected to him anyway because his relatives live 5 mins away from our neighborhood and my Aunt worked with his Aunt. 

"What a small world!" is one of my favorite lines of all and I love it when I find out I share mutual friends with somebody. It's interesting to see how we are all connected, how our lives tangled. Every step I take, I know I am inching closer to the one my own red string is tied to. Some times I do wonder - to who would this man be connect to?

I would link this with the fact that we are only 3-4 degrees of separation with each other. Did you know that? For all you know, you are only 4 acquaintances away from Barack Obama. As absurd as that sounds, we are closer to each other than you think. That is another theory that blew my mind the moment I learnt about it.

Hold me accountable

I'll need a little help from you on this one. 

I'm planning to publish a post every week for the rest of the year -- at least one, every week -- and I need your help! Remind me, demand from me and hold me accountable to follow through.

Last week on Instagram, I asked my friends for writing prompts and some of them kindly shared with me what they'd like me to write about. A  few of the topics were really interesting and I know I'll have my own take on it. I don't write factual entries well, so I'll stay far away from it. 

I'd love more ideas/questions and feedback is very much encouraged too! Drop yours here.

Starting this week, meet me here every Friday at 8PM. It's a date ;) #TGIF

A very delayed 28th birthday post

When I was much younger, I had a different expectation of who I will be at 28. I was sure I would be a medical doctor, possibly married with kids, have my own car and probably already own a house by now. 

Truth is, I am nowhere near any of those. I'm going to be honest with you, it took me a while to come to terms with the things that I know I will never get to do or achieve by a certain age that I had predefined in my head. I'm done being sad, questioning the 'what ifs' because I know now, this is exactly where I am meant to be. 

Often times I need to pinch myself, am I really 28 now? It's not because I don't want or scared to grow old, but I can't believe how fast time moves. It flies, for real! Internally, I don't feel 28. Alhamdulillah, because I am unmarried, I still live with both my parents and they have never, ever set any expectations of how I should be behaving at 28. I am not saying I misbehave, but they let me be a single, unmarried lady. Simply put, I still feel like I am a teenager under my parents' care, but now with money, hahaha.

At 28, I am not a doctor like I hoped to be when I was a teen, but I would tell you I am proud of my career, proud of who I am professionally. I think why I wanted to be a doctor in the first place came from a desire to help people and to be of benefit to others. Up until now, in my prayers I hope to be an added value to the life of others & be a real benefit to the ones closest to me, my community and InshaAllah, to Ummah as a whole.

At 28, I am not married with children like I thought I would when I was much younger, but I believe in Allah's wisdom. I pray for a lot in a spouse with specific criteria and it's only fair that Allah give me ample time to perfect my own self to reflect the same qualities I want in a partner. I acknowledge whatever I wish for in a husband, I need to have the same in myself too. I am not rushing into it, I am not desperate for it, I am grateful for the extra time Allah is giving me to pray for the one and I know for a fact, Allah will not disappoint me. 

Don't I feel anything seeing my friends move into that phase of life (getting married and being a mom)? I am a human after all, of course I do. The feeling was stronger in my mid 20's than now, though. For some reason at 28, I am able to just celebrate people without whining 'when will it be my turn?'. 

My rizq is abundant in different aspects and Alhamdulillah the quicker I acknowledge this and count my own blessings, the better it is. Not once I feel lonely. I have my Mom, my sisters, my friends (loads of them!) that will always be around. At 28, instead of complaining about the things I have yet to achieve, I am counting the things I am blessed with. Far beyond the materials, I am grateful for the ability to see what truly matters; my sound heart, my conscious mind, and the desire to seek instead of settling. 

Regardless of how I imagined 28 would look like before, I am now living my best life that is given by Allah. Life is full of mysteries and mine is unfolding beautifully.

Random, very random #5

 Ever thought about why a person seem very wise, stable and have it all together because she needs to be? She has to be so rooted down and anchored because life is chaotic she doesn't know how else to be but steady.

It will get better, a 2024 reflection

I read a post on TikTok where someone said "If I was offered 1 million dollars to re-do 2024, I would say 'keep your money'". At first I thought, it's 1 million, I would take it. But then when I think about what had happen in 2024, the emotional roller coaster I felt, I finally agreed with the TikTok, I would not re-do last year again. 

It's not all bad, for sure. There were a lot of great moments but there were loads of intense, uncomfortable, 'I don't like this' moments too. Probably the year I cried more than the previous years, I had many realizations and made peace with circumstances that I can't change. It took so much courage to come to terms with that.

I changed job at the end of 2023, and spent a huge chunk of early 2024 adjusting to that newness, and it was honestly brutal. I was used to a fast-paced life, but the new job was somehow a different kind of fast-paced. And because I had a few years of experience prior, there was an unspoken expectation imposed on me that I needed to meet. It was draining, and I questioned everything - whether I made a mistake by starting over, I even questioned my own ability. I thought I wasn't good enough for this role. On top of that, it was hard to make friends. It was so easy in my previous job and I don't understand why I can't replicate the same thing here. It was a lonely couple of months and it got to a point of time where I've accepted the fact that I won't be able to experience the friendship I had in ShopBack. 

But just like everything else, things thankfully get better in time. I became better at my role, in fact now, I can't believe I'm saying this -- but I can say that I love my job. Connections improved too, now I have a group of people I spend my lunch time with and for occasional after-work dinners. I understand it now that every experience will be unique. No two workplace is the same and comparing kills. I can't help but compare the old and the new, but I realized I shouldn't and I can't. When I started to let go what was out of my control, things got better. 

Mid last year I also finally had a surgery I knew I will somehow have to do in my lifetime. I can't fully disclose here what surgery it was but if you know me and ask me directly, I would gladly share. There is no shame in sharing what my body had gone through but it was definitely a pain I will never wish upon anybody. I often said that to my sister too. It's painful, some days I just need the whole day on my bed unable to stand or walk, it was even painful to lay down. Now that it's over and done with, I found a new appreciation for my body and how much it has done for me. I vow to live healthily, to take care of my body the way it as taken care of me the past 27 years.

2024 was also the year I truly let go of the relationships (yes, multiple) that was not meant for me. For a long time I tried to hold on the hope of it all, that maybe someday it will work out. It happened almost so naturally, I just stopped thinking about it. It's true when people say that moving on happens on a random Tuesday, when all of a sudden you caught yourself thinking 'I haven't thought about this person for a while now'. Then you go about your live, thinking of them less and less until one day it's just gone. I believe working on myself, understanding my own needs and nourishing relationships that truly matters helped to take my mind out of the ones that does not serve me. So honestly, good riddance.

My self-esteem was again challenged in 2024 when my skin broke out like never before. I felt like a teenager with raging hormones. But at the age of 27? It killed my self confidence. I can't tell you how there were days I could not look at myself in the mirror because I hated what I saw. My reflection. It took me months to undo everything, for my skin to get to a state where I can look into the mirror and be okay with. I'm not yet flawless, though I think I may never be, but the roughest days are over, at least. 

In reflection, last year gave me a lot of lessons that I had to learn the hard way; 

1) health is wealth. When you've tasted sickness only you'll appreciate your body and start honoring it.

2) you can't change what you can't change. Read that again. Not people, or feelings, or circumstances, or consequences. But you can change how you react to them.

3) family is the only people you can truly rely on at the end of the day. And this does not mean just blood family, but the family you choose, too.

4) there's nothing more important than yourself. To be in tune with your soul is a gift not everyone posses. Some people don't listen to their heart, mind or body. Don't know when to stop, to pause, when to steer away from something they know no longer good for them.

5) you can be selfish. In fact, you should be selfish when you need to. This goes back to (4), that you need to always put yourself first. 

6) it's okay to feel like you don't have it together sometimes. Everyone go through it. Beating yourself up won't fix anything. Take time to clear your mind and take one step at a time.

While I know I contradicted myself from my previous post where I said 2024 has been good, it was not totally a lie. If I twist everything I said up there in a positive tone, I can make it beautiful. I have a career that truthfully, I am proud of. But what people didn't know it then, was how hard it was to get to that point. The surgery I underwent took away 13 years of 'sickness' and a whole year of frequent excruciating pain, which was the biggest blessing out of the situation, but I was in pain most the year nonetheless. And I finally, finally learn to put myself first in every situations but I had to fight my bitterness, make peace with situations and forgave people who was never sorry. 

In the end, I'm glad I came out at the other end having learnt all of these and grow through them. People say at 25 your frontal lobe develops but I truly feel it at 27. I look forward to what's in store for me this year and the surprises life will bring. I hope you had a good and an eventful 2024, and may you have a better year ahead. May all your wishes and hopes and dreams come true :)

Of shifts, self, and starting again

At the start of the year, I set a personal goal to post one blog entry every month. I was on track for a few months, but then life happened, and I skipped a month… or two. Suddenly, it’s October, and we’re just about 80 days away from January 1st, 2025. I obviously didn’t see that goal through, but I want to end the year properly. I only have three more posts to go; it shouldn't be too hard, right?

How has 2024 been for you? I don’t want to sound like a broken record because every year I find myself saying, “This year has been so good to me,” but this year has changed me in ways I hadn’t anticipated. I remember a conversation with a friend, where she said she doesn't have a favorite year; she just lives every year to the fullest, knowing the next one will top the current one. I didn’t understand her at the time, but now I do. I wish I had recorded those defining moments as they happened, but I’ve found it safer to keep my real-time brain dumps personal. Don’t worry though, I’ll share the refined and filtered version with you, as always.

Something shifted in me lately, and I can’t quite explain it. I was filled with a new sense of motivation… in October, mind you. When everyone else is giving up on their goals and resolutions, I thought, I could start at any time, not just at the new year. There’s no definite starting line or finish line; you just start. So I asked myself, if not now, then when? I started three separate things, all within the same week.

One night, I found myself journaling, and for the first time in what feels like forever, I wanted to write about myself. This admission might reveal how much time I’ve spent focusing on others—writing about how people and events have affected me—but I’m not ashamed of it. That night, however, was different. I was writing about me: what I’m working on and how it sparked something within me—a feeling that had been lost for so long.

I know there’s still time before the year ends, and as they say, the end of the year is when the plot twists usually happen. If you ask me, I’m always excited for what’s to come—even though it means I’m getting closer to 28—especially with a very special day I’ve been looking forward to: my best friend’s wedding. Whatever twists and turns the rest of the year have in store, I hope it’s all good tidings.

Of discovering a good book & sister's dynamics

You know the feeling of finding and reading a book so good you could cry? So good that you already planning to re-read them in the future. That's exactly how I feel with this book, Blue Sisters. I relate to this book so much and I think it's the first time read a book that perfectly describes the complexities of siblings dynamic -- specifically between sisters.

 

I usually found myself loving a book that I can relate to, and this book - which follows 3 sisters Avery Bonnie and Lucky navigating through grief after losing their sister Nicky, spoke to me. I immediately knew I wanted to read this book after knowing this fact, as I have 3 other sisters myself. 

 And true enough, their story hits too close to home. There are so many parts of the book that I love. One, would be how much I see my own sisters in these characters, and how much of myself I see in them too. How it wonderfully paints the wonder of growing up with sisters. I saw "Zurin Sisters" (as what my aunts call us) in them. People would ask me how it's like having only sisters and I always say I love it but it's actually so much deeper than that. How could I even begin to explain?

It's a special and magical thing, to be related by blood and be bonded by something beyond that. We grew up together, have found friendship within each other even before we learn to have it with anyone else, we lean on each other before no one else (now more than ever), we back each other up. Though it's been so long since we last fight, but we can critique and condemn. Be against each other for a change but never for long. Because we know, we're weak when we're apart. Only strong when we have each other.

So if you have sisters, I highly encourage you to read this book. There's comfort in this book even though the whole story is not as light. It's quite emotional at some parts but still, I love it.

Of female influence & the guiding light

I know I am a gazillion days late for this, and I promise I meant to post this much earlier, but life gets in the way, so I procrastinated until today. But well, every day is Women's Day, is it not? Therefore, Happy International Women's Day! (Literally three months overdue.) You know you are progressing to a more 'woke' generation when more and more people in the world celebrate and acknowledge the importance of International Women's Day. I love that for us.

Every year, I can't stop thinking about how proud I am to be born a woman and how blessed I am to be surrounded by so many, in fact, too many wonderful, strong women. I have a mother who has eight sisters, I myself have three sisters, and I have all of my best girlfriends. You have no idea how much their presence has influenced how I see myself, how I work, talk, walk, present myself, how I think, and the way I love.

Of course, I have to start with my mom, the best woman I have the privilege to call my mom. I am lucky to be able to say that my mom is my best friend. I know a lot of people don't have the privilege of feeling that way about their mothers. The bond I have with my mom is something I thank Allah for every day. She gave me a sense of safety and security, making sure I feel comfortable talking to her about anything without her judging me. I have been yapping at her about my silly crushes since I was 10! What mom would hear that without yelling at you for being so gedik? But never her, though. She never made me feel unsafe telling her the most trivial things. She would always enjoy listening to them.

I think that has also shaped me into the person I am now. It taught me how to listen intently to people and to listen without judgment. To be there when someone else just needs an outlet to vent over the silliest thing. I will be there just like how my mom has always been there for me.

I know my mom did not just magically become like that without the women she grew up with. My aunts are the most supportive people I know. They foster strong family relationships, and they are one of the main reasons why I have a tight relationship with my extended family. From them, I know the importance of putting the right people first and how strong familial relationships can shape you into the most loving, considerate, caring people. While the lack of it will be very jarring. You can see right through.

From the relationship my mom and her sisters have, I learned to have the same with my own sisters. I am blessed to be born into an all-girls sibling group. Every time someone asks me how it's like to have all sisters, I always tell them I love every bit of it. All the clothes we get to share, the debriefs we have, the nights we gather around on a queen-sized bed and gossip the night away. I love all of it. There's no way for me to precisely list what they have taught me. What haven't they taught me, really? I learned everything I could from my three sisters. I knew jealousy, healthy competition, empathy, early friendship, and puppy love too. All through watching them live their own lives and together.

I may never know how it's like to grow up with a brother, but I know too well how to grow up with sisters, and I wouldn't change it for anything. I didn't watch the cartoons you watch when you have a brother. Power Rangers? Nope. Ultraman? Hell nah. Even all the iconic movies people tell me I'm missing out on because I never cared about them growing up. It's funny to compare how different it is, even down to the media you consume if you have only little girls in the household. But it was so lovely. I have built-in best friends for life that I know, no matter what, will always have my back.

This entry has gone on way too long, but I can talk about this on and on because that's how impactful these women are. Of course, it would not be complete without mentioning the ladies who have been in my life for over a decade now. Influencing my girlhood, adolescence, and womanhood. As if my life didn't have enough females, these ladies became the most meaningful addition to my life. Enriching it in ways I can't even begin to explain other than saying that I am absolutely grateful for it. The friendship, trust, reliance, support, and assurance have enriched my life and provided a sense of belonging and empowerment. 

Have I said how lucky I am yet? I just wish I also play a role in someone's life the way the females in my life did for me. And the list of them goes beyond the people mentioned in here. I couldn't possibly fit them all in. All of them have collectively shaped my journey and contributed to my personal growth in more ways than one. They really are the reason I am who I am today. Would not have it any other way.

Of golden birthday

I made my 27th trip around the Sun on 27th February. That also means I had my Golden Birthday last week. I anticipated the day for the longest time, not because I wanted it to be a grand celebration or anything remotely close to that, but because I knew this day would hold significance for me.

And indeed, it did. I thought a lot about turning 27. It's such a serious age, if you ask me. I've only made a big deal out of a few birthdays since I hit 20. They are:

• When I turned 20 - for obvious reasons, I graduated from my teenage years.
• When I turned 23 - I had started working at this point, and I celebrated it with a whole new set of people. It was different, to say the least, but special.
• When I turned 25 - hitting the quarter-life milestone. It will always be a big deal.

And now, turning 27 is another level of adulthood. How am I 27 already?! It's like you blink, and suddenly you realize that you are responsible for every outcome of your life. Nobody else is answerable for the choices you make. You rely on yourself 99% of the time, and you decide who you want to be.

You don't know how or when everything changed, but when you look back, you realize how far you've come and how much things have changed. That's when you hope you have been making the right moves thus far because it's too late to go back.

Every birthday, I'm always retrospective, so you will hear different versions of the same thing every year. Mostly, it's for me to stay grounded with who I am and the person I want to be. Truthfully, it's just how my brain works. So here's to 27 - the last few years before hitting the big 3-0.

Alhamdulillah for this life :)

Of past self & being vulnerable

You know what's one of the scariest feeling? It's letting people take a peek into your life and your mind, then having no idea what they think of it. 

I feel this on the daily when I look at the views I receive from my blog entries. Especially on my past ones. It's a brave thing having to write down things that are running through your mind as well as your heart's silent whispers for everyone to read; people who know you well, people who don't know you very well, even those who doesn't know you at all. It's like I'm being vulnerable to nobody and everybody, both at the same time.

It's not the judgement that I worry about, it's knowing the fact that these people having access to my past selves, the high school version of me, the sad version, the excited version, the reflective version, the grateful version, the coming of age version, the adult version, but most of all -- the expressive version. 

Every version there is to know about me is in here. Whether or not I have the same opinion on something or stand on the same view as I did many years back, no one can validate and there's no way I can tell them "But that's not who I am anymore". I know I'm the one enabling this. I allowed people in, I decided to write and share because writing makes me feel better, but it doesn't make any of this less scary.